so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
