I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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