nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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