I'd wear matching sweaters with you
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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