after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
