Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
