i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
