did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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