her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Found your dick twin last night
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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