i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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