my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
