I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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