Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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