He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
