Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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