You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
