you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
