wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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