Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
