Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
