tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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