Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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