shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
