I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
