I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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