I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
