Don't make out with my wife yet
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
