I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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