there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
