I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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