remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
