Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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