I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
