I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
