Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
