The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
only you would photoshop your dick
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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