Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
