I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
