Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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