he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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