When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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