My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
