what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
