he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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