Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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