dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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