It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
