Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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