I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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