Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
