You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
