i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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